Embracing Grief For The Holidays

Holidays are a time for family and friends, for connection and community. For laughter, for play. They are, for most, a time of celebration, the opportunity to end another year on a positive note.

And along with all that, there can also be absence. Loneliness. A feeling of isolation and despair.

Whether it is the death of a loved one, or a deeper awareness of something that we long for but find lacking, the absence of community, the void left by a loved one, can bring a sense of sadness and a wish for it all to be over soon.

And so, as always, I wonder: What else might be possible?

For those who have had a loved one die and are struggling to go through these times without them, there is also the invitation to literally invite that loved one to dinner. To re-member (make a part of again) them during the holidays. To set a place at the table, and to recall old stories, laughing, crying - allowing for it all to be available, as we would if that person was still alive. Here are some things we would like to offer as we enter this time of year. And of course, we are always here to support you, as well.

1. Plan ahead and set gentle boundaries. Decide in advance what you will and won’t do (who you’ll see, how long you'll stay, what traditions you’ll keep). Planning reduces uncertainty and helps you avoid unexpected triggers. We know that “planning ahead” is a primary protective step for holiday grief.

2. Segment the day — break it into manageable pieces. Rather than “the whole day must be cheerful,” schedule small segments (a walk, a phone call, a quiet ritual, an hour of rest). Breaking the holidays into small parts can minimize the overwhelm that we might feel.

3. Use adapted rituals and “continuing bonds.” Create or adapt rituals that let you keep a relationship with your loved one (lighting a candle, setting a small place, playing their song, visiting a favorite spot). Including your loved one in holiday rituals is a powerful way of navigating the season.

4. Make or reframe traditions — allow new meanings. If old rituals are too painful, alter them or create one or two new traditions that honor the loved one and still nourish you (a charity walk, a memory jar, cooking one of their recipes). Flexibility helps grief integrate rather than be erased.

5. Prioritize social connection that feels safe and nourishing. Seek one or two trusted people or groups (a grief group, a friend, an online community) rather than trying to “be social” everywhere. Evidence on loneliness interventions shows programs that enhance meaningful social support or create opportunities for connection are effective. There are many organizations that offer this type of support, especially over the holidays.

6. Use solutions-focused coping for practical loneliness. Practical actions — reaching out, scheduling a video call, volunteering, or attending a community event — reduce isolation. Research indicates solution-focused strategies often lower loneliness; combine them with self-care when emotions feel raw.

7. Lean into small acts of service or volunteering. Helping others (serving a meal, calling a phone line, donating time) gives purpose and creates social contact without forcing close personal conversation — a frequently reported lifeline during holiday grief.

8. Practice radical self-compassion and micro-self-care. Permission to feel, to decline invitations, to rest, to eat simply — these micro-choices matter. Clinicians and grief guides consistently recommend compassionate self-talk and realistic expectations during the holidays.

9. Create a “support plan” for hard moments. Have a short list ready: one friend to text/call, an activity that grounds you (breathing, walk, playlist), and a safe place to go if overwhelmed. Practical safety planning reduces panic and helps you stay present.

10. Ask for help (therapy, grief counseling, or group work) when needed.If loneliness deepens into depression, prolonged inability to function, suicidal thoughts, or intense isolation, reach out to a mental-health professional. You can reach out anytime to The Canoe and we will help you find the support you need (e. celebrations@thecanoe.co or m. 514.503.2116).

11. Honor cultural and communal rituals if they help — or create personal ones if they don’t. Cultural rituals (grave visits, ancestor ceremonies, shared meals) provide structure and communal meaning; where they aren’t available or don’t fit, personalize rituals that feel authentic.

    
    

A simple 3-step action you can do right now

1. Write 3 non-negotiables for the holiday (e.g., “I will step out after dinner,” “I’ll spend one hour at the park,” “I won’t attend big family gatherings”) — these are your boundaries.

2. Choose one small ritual to honor the person (light a candle, cook a favorite dish, speak their name aloud).

3. Schedule 1 connection: a 20–30 minute call with someone who holds you, or a grief-group meeting.

Again, we remind you that this is not a "To Do" list that you should feel compelled to go through. Nor is this a complete list of things that can be done. What is most important is that you listen to yourself and create and plans things that will support and nourish you.

After all, the holidays are meant to be a season of giving, and what better place to start than by giving to yourself?